In my acceptance of writing this piece every quarter, I assume a position of vulnerability. I have to share my heart and some of the experiences and lessons I have learnt over many years

in business, some at huge personal cost.

Fairly late in my career  I discovered some experts describing the emotions I have experienced while leading people: People want to see that you see them. Whether you are a spouse, parent, or CEO of a company, the people around you want to know that you acknowledge them.

The ‘see’ referred to here encompasses more than the visual. When you are in a position of leadership or management, your colleagues yearn to be seen by you. This is a fundamental need that all people have.

How can you make sure that people around you feel seen? Firstly, make eye contact. Don’t look past the person or let your eyes wonder while he or she is talking to you.

When I was growing up, my mother instructed me to look someone straight in the eye when conversing with that person. Nothing makes people feel more ignored than you looking around while they are sharing their thoughts, ideas, plans or even worse, their heart with you. Being ignored hurts and can result in people doing things that cannot be ignored.

My advice is to not ignore people in the room and treat them as if they are invisible. This applies to everyone, even the cleaning lady or the person making your coffee in the morning.

Secondly, ask questions  in a tone that makes people feel heard.  In his book Trust, Dr Henry Cloud  writes  that one of the essentials of trust is that you feel fully understood.  Your team members won’t trust you unless they feel you have listened to them and have understood their side of things. Yes, it takes time, time you might feel you’ve wasted, but in the long run, you will find a loyal and trustworthy colleague.

One of my most difficult challenges in listening well was to listen without immediately trying to solve whatever was discussed. This was especially true in our family. As CEO, I was  in a zone of listening to problems, evaluating and fixing them! When I arrived  home from the office, I sometimes  remained in that mode and listened without really hearing what my wife and children had to say. My focus was on solving problems instead of listening with a caring heart.

Some practical advice that I’ve tried many times with success is to ask a simple question to a person in the room so they don’t feel ignored. Oftentimes our attention is focussed on those who we need information from or who can make decisions, and the rest is ignored.

When you fulfil a management or leadership role, you might feel like you ‘belong’ to the people you lead. This ‘belonging’  brings with it an obligation to know, see, and hear everyone. I was sometimes uncomfortable when people wanted to take a picture with me, and I very often used the opportunity to ask them their name and where they came from to hide how uncomfortable I was, but it was also a tool I could use to show them  that I see them. 

by Jannie de Villiers at Jannie@devilliersfamily.co.za.